Finding love, only for single marketers

Nonfiction book review in Psychology

How to find Love
By School of Life, 2017. Pp. 80. £10.00 ISBN 978-0-9955736-9-7

School of Life is a global organisation dedicated to develop emotional intelligence. The staff’s backgrounds are in Philosophy and Psychology. The organisation’s idea is simple: they use their knowledge in these fields to expose different ways to see the same world.

How to find love is a promising book for who is looking some guidance in this ‘forever mystery territory’. The book is eighty pages about what instincts are not the best counsellors and what thoughts we should hold while searching for the ‘right one’. Contrary to a self – help manual, the book is a psychological approach about how to choose the partner, with a little explanation about where the idea of love comes from.

The origin of love. It comes from: Romanticism. The book points out how Western societies have taught us about what love is and how to choose our partners. Explicitly, we choose using three instincts: completion – the missing qualities on us but present in our partners or potential lovers; endorsement – the ability of other to understand what it is happening inside us, and familiarity – the parental qualities we see in others or we reject.

The game of instincts. The second part of the book reveals how those three instincts impact on our relationships or our searching for love. Particular attention is given to the instinct of familiarity as it addresses the readers to two essential concepts: repetition dynamic and recoil dynamic. The first one point out how we have experienced the parental love, while  the second one point out the fact that we are in love with whom is different from our parents.

Here is the problem. The book reveals how these instincts play against the own self – improvement, self – knowledge of feelings, emotions and communication with our partners or potential lovers, troubling the opportunities of fulfilment. Also, it reveals how an instinct of familiarity makes us to choose the ‘wrong one’.

But there is a solution. No doubts that every issue has a simple solution. We can get the benefits from these instincts, instead to reject them. The tactics is not to go against them or changes the partner, or change the types or remove them from our complex nature. It is about how to use them in favour of us, to enhance our abilities, make the relationship more pleasurable and look at others as emotional opportunities to grow up.

The book does not pretend to be a self – help guide or manual to find love. The pretensions are more modest than that. It offers another perspective from which we can experience our ordinary lives. In particular for singletons, the book is a promise of mature love research, a “place” where the real cards are on the table. It explains to us the searching of love starts looking at our inner complex self, why we should give chances to others and allow them to show us their hilarious qualities. Moreover, how foolish we could, and must be, in front of our potential lovers.

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